You don't have to love yourself first

If you have been reading about mental health on the Internet, especially if you regularly spend time on forums or Facebook support groups, you most probably have heard it before: the myth that "you have to love yourself, otherwise how could you properly love anyone else?" I call bullshit on that. Like, big time. Not only is it completely, entirely, utterly (I hope you get it by now) false, it is also wrong in the meaning of dangerous and hurtful. Let me explain.

Just imagine: if every single person who doesn't love themselves was thereby incapable of loving someone else, damn, that would make for a lot of families, partners and friends in dire need of some affection and it would mean those relationships are ALL one-way. Which thankfully they are not.

Just ask the partners, parents, siblings and friends of people who live with a mental illness: do they feel unloved? Do they feel like the sick person in their life is simply incapable of this emotion that EVERY HUMAN BEING, excluding psychopaths maybe, feels toward at least some people in their life?

Does a 15-year-old girl, going through her first depressive episode after her boyfriend had to move away, not love her friends as well as that very same boy?

Does a 40-year-old burned-out mother not love her children, which is one more reason why she feels like a failure?

Does a 20-year-old man, having his first psychotic episode because of the stress of college studies and being therefore seriously scared of himself, not love his supportive parents?

Does a 16-year-old transgender teen not love his siblings, all while made to feel like a monstruosity by society? HOW DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO YOU TO LINK TOGETHER THOSE TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS?

Oh and we're not just talking about people who have a mental illness, though it's 1 in 4 people worldwide in any given year.

Girls as young as 8 or 9 years old are made to feel like they are nothing but a disgusting lump of fat: they hate their bodies because of their looks, but they also hate themselves for not being able to change those. It can develop into eating disorders but fortunately not always, so bad self-image doesn't qualify as a mental disorder in itself. These girls perfectly meet the definition of "someone who does not love themselves" but thank you universe, they don't extend that to other people ; in fact, strong friendships can do wonders in helping them overcome this negative self-image, because these girls love one another and want their friends to feel better.

The same goes for perfectionists of any age: they often don't like themselves because of what they perceive as many "failures" on their own part, but most of them will share their life with a beloved partner, go on to have kids that they adore, etc.

Of course self-hatred is a mental health issue that anyone can struggle with and it should be addressed ASAP. [Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has physical health, to take care of ; but a broken arm does not equate a chronic lifelong illness, just like a mental health issue does not mean that the person has a mental illness].

But how do you picture it when someone who's not mentally ill experiences burn-out and ends up thinking they're the most underachieving and stupid person in the world? Do they suddenly stop loving their kids because they don't love themselves anymore and somehow just LOSE the ability to love at all? Does love come in a package deal so that, when you lose one part of it you lose the other part as well?

Let me add that even in someone who has a mental illness, the onset of it can happen pretty brutally, such as in schizophrenia. The first psychotic episode often comes as a shock ; does the person experiencing it and hating their own "crazy ass" become unable to love their significant other on the very day after?

Loving yourself and loving someone else are two very different things.

It's not just that this whole concept is not true ; it is very hurtful, too. How do you think telling someone, who doesn't love themselves to start with, that they are an "empty jar from which love cannot pour" is going to affect them? Do you think it's a good idea to teach someone with depression that they intrinsically cannot perform the most basic, human act in the world? How about telling someone who struggles with an eating disorder that "they have to love themselves first, before they can ever love someone else" ? Does that sound like motivating talk?

To me, propagating this concept is just one more way of blaming people for their own mental health issues. It conveys the idea that they should try even harder, alone, when so many of them struggle to just stay alive for one more minute.

How could someone else help you love yourself more? Sounds like a task only you can accomplish. One more task you'll fail at anyway.

And there goes the depressed person, thinking no one could ever want them to stay alive, since they're so inhuman and only a burden. Does that sound like suicide-prone talk to you? Because it definitely is.

Plus, how does the future look like, then? Some people, and it saddens me to no end but it is undeniable, will never love themselves. They will keep thinking they're a failure, they will have very low self-esteem until their last day, they will be unable to comprehend how other people can love them -- they might even remain convinced that such love is only pretense and become paranoid about it.

Does that mean, for the whole of their lives, that they will never love someone else either? That when you hate yourself, it becomes all-consuming and you are incapable of a single positive emotion? Thank the galaxy that's not the case!

Let me remind you dear readers, that suicidal people often think the world would be better off without them, that their loved ones consider them an unwelcome burden -- people actually kill themselves as a selfless act. Yes, death to suicidal people also very often appears as the only way out, as the only means of putting an end to their suffering. But in people going through depression for instance, both ideas fight for the better spot: they have to take their own lives because they are inherently incapable of bringing anything positive to the people they love, which in turn causes them insufferable pain. Let me write that again: the people they love. Once more, for those far in the back? THE PEOPLE THEY LOVE.

Now that we've ruled out the illogical and hurtful idea that not loving yourself renders you incapable of love at all, let's take a closer look at the following question: how do we bring people to love themselves? Because yes, of course, it is important. Everyone will be better off living much nicer lives if no one treads through their own existence thinking they're worthless.

The first step is rather obvious: teachers, parents and friends, fellow students, politicians, therapists, influencers, bosses and colleagues, we all need to step in and promote self-love, self-compassion and self-acceptance. To say loud and clear that it's normal to fail, that it's okay to not be okay, that as a society we need to have each other's back. We also need to be respectful and accepting of others, so that no one hates themselves because they've been taught that homosexuality is a sin (and God forbid I ever whisper the word bisexuality), that gender depends solely on whatever happens to be visible between your legs, or that being poor is your fault (why do you buy healthy olive oil in an eco-friendly glass bottle, instead of the artery-plugging sunflower option that comes in an unrecyclable plastic packaging?!).

The second step comes in the form of... love. Plain and simple.

Unconditional, meaning not that you approve of every decision and every action they take, but that you understand and teach them that a person can always do better and is not conditioned to behave badly because "it's just who they are". No one has an inherently bad personality and assuring someone that you will always love them, no matter their failures, is a crucial way of enabling them to accept those failures and thereby to try and make up for their mistakes. Children who are loved unconditionally enter adult life much better equipped to handle whatever hardships life throws at them, and they also perform much better in terms of empathy and resilience.

Resilient, meaning that even when the person doesn't love themselves, says so and actively self-harms as punishment for example, you love them still. Daily, regular, spontaneous as well as carefully planned moments of showing love can only help, because the person is confronted to the fact that they are indeed, for whatever good or bad reasons, loved. And slowly, with the help of medication and/or therapy for the ones who deal with a mental health disorder, the idea that maybe there is something in them to love after all, will make its way to them.

The third step might appear trickier in today's culture of being constantly busy and behind schedule. But it's an important one: we all need to take a moment to stop and remind the people we love that we do, and why we do. Regardless of whether they are struggling with self-love or not, regardless of their age, regardless of their achievements.

Getting reminded that they are important to someone, that they make other people's lives better by being in it, will help tremendously when they are going through a difficult time. You might not see the results immediately, it will most probably not be enough in itself to lift the person our of their self-hate bath, and that will be frustrating. But keep going. Without you even knowing, it can make the difference between life and death and by that I mean suicide. It can give the person enough time and courage to stay alive for just one more day, to make it to that therapist appointment and to eventually get better. It can build over time and your love for them can overpour into someone's heart, helping them see just why they are deserving of that love.

So leave notes on the fridge, text and email them, tell them in person, call them just to say how much you love and miss them. Remind them of past achievements, of shared joys. Remind them of moments when you were not okay and they helped you get by. Remind them, one by one, of all the things you like in them. Be there and make it known. Love them through and through, and say so. It'll help them do the same for themselves.